Anyone else struggle with disordered eating?
Ever since I quit smoking weed in 2022, food became a serious issue for me.
At age 12 I developed a mild case of 𝗢𝗯𝗲𝘀𝗼𝗽𝗵𝗼𝗯𝗶𝗮 (fear of getting fat) after witnessing several of my family members obese.
This did not transfer to eating disorders at the time, thank goodness. But I did develop a mild obsession with working out at a young age due to this fear, and I vowed to never get fat.
I grew through puberty and realized it was unlikely for me. I was athletic and maintained a strong metabolism. At 5'7'', my weight has largely remained around the 145 lbs my whole life.
I started smoking pot daily at 14, which I think helped. My obsession subsided and thankfully I never struggled w/ body dysmorphia or eating disorders...
until now.
Age 27 is when I got very skinny. I was still smoking pot plus doing other drugs. I was very sexually active during that time which I believe contributed to the weight loss, but I did end up in 2022 passing a tapeworm. Probably also why I suddenly got very thin!
I was spoiled those years (27-28) with eating as much as I wanted and not gaining weight. Around this time in my life I easily maintained about a 130 lbs, and to me that just became normal.
In 2022 when everything hit the fan (tapeworm, sobriety... no more sex) yeah, the weight came back on.
Suddenly my normal 145 lb body felt foreign to me.
In 2023 I developed disordered eating.
• Starving myself, and then binging.
• Working out heavily to make myself feel better.
• Needing to "earn" foods that I love.
The loneliness and isolation I endured throughout these past couple years made it hard to not lean on food for comfort. Some days all that kept me going was looking forward to my nightly Netflix routine with a plate full of food...
and then another.
And then, often times -
even dessert.
(𝘉𝘰𝘺 𝘥𝘰𝘦𝘴 𝘮𝘺 𝘜𝘣𝘦𝘳𝘌𝘢𝘵𝘴 𝘢𝘤𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘵 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘋𝘢𝘪𝘳𝘺𝘘𝘶𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘸𝘦𝘭𝘭!)
It felt shameful & dirty, and I always had regret going to bed with a bloated belly and fear of being "even more fat" the next day.
It has been a long journey of learning functional nutrition and fitness, not to mention just coming back to reality that... even in my "binge eating states", I was still not even fat!
But the fixation was real.
When I decided this past year to dive deep into my art, take music lessons again, and start making skits, I found the craving for food at the end of the day as "my drug" was lessened.
I think many people struggle here, and honestly I don't have all the answers. I have learned to embrace my body at 130 lbs, all the way up to 160 (and yes I was 160 earlier this year when I was bulking at the gym).
No one is perfect and we're all doing our best - I hope this honest account of what I've gone through helps someone today, and I hope no one has to live with the anxieties I have that 𝘪𝘧 𝘐'𝘮 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘰𝘣𝘴𝘦𝘴𝘴𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘮𝘺 𝘣𝘰𝘥𝘺 & 𝘸𝘦𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵...
I won't get love.