Ken Cheng

I attended a funeral of an old colleague, Pete.

I went to offer my condolences to his wife, Wilma, who was sobbing.

As I approached her, she recognised me.

“You're THE Ken Cheng? I'm such a big fan of your LinkedIn!“

“Err, thank you, but today's not about tha-“

“Tell me,“ she said. “I'm thinking about starting my own company. Do you have any advice?“

We spent the next hour taking about market trends, advertising, SEO. It flew by and I suddenly noticed I had to go.

“Anyway, I'm so sorry about Pete.“

“What about Pete? Oh right!“

She was so enraptured in my wisdom she completely forgot about her dead husband.

Just wow. It's amazing how powerful my business life lessons can be.

They say time heals all wounds. I say free consultancy does.

We've hired 113 people in the past 4 years.

I've read 0 cover letters.
Reviewed 0 CVs.
Checked 0 references.

Why?

I secretly cannot read.

I cannot let anyone know this.

I've made so many new hires on a total gamble.

Any time I receive a cover letter, I just guess whether it's good or bad based on one simple metric.

Long paragraphs = bad.
Short paragraphs = good.

Sometimes it pays off. Sometimes you hire a man with a criminal record and only 2 GCSEs to look after your taxes.

Nobody suspects a thing. That's the power of confidence.

7 red flags when I'm interviewing a potential candidate:

🟥 They say “I've never been to the Ritz before“ (I conduct all my interviews at the Ritz)

🟥 They're not dressed in a three piece suit (appropriate for the Ritz)

🟥 They say “oh we're having dinner here?“ (of course we're having dinner, it's the Ritz)

🟥 They don't ask me how my day went (normal polite Ritz dinner conversation)

🟥 They make a joke about Ritz cheese biscuits (very disrespectful to the real Ritz)

🟥 They refuse to split the meal (very rude to talk about money, especially at the Ritz)

🟥 a limp handshake

If your new employee isn't ready to sit down for a polite 1-on-1 7-course evening meal with their prospective boss, then do they even deserve to be working?

I put Widowed on every form I fill out.

Applications, surveys, prize draws.

All my ex-spouses are alive.

Why do I do it?

Because Widowed sounds more powerful than Divorced.

When you think of a divorced man you think of a loser.

When you think of a widowed man, you think this man is vulnerable and the sex is probably really good.

I don't make the rules.

But I do break them.

By lying about my alive ex-wives.

Since doing this, I've won so many more prize draws.

Until people start giving divorced men the respect they deserve, I will take every advantage I can get.

A waitress once spat in my food.

I sent back my burger because it wasn't circular enough.

A new one came back and it tasted heavily of female saliva.

I called the manager over. “Is there a problem?“

“Your waitress...“

The waitress was nervously shaking.

“Is doing a stellar job and I'd like to hire her as my assistant.“

She seemed surprised, and couldn't understand why I'd done this.

The truth is: I love the taste of human spit.

Restaurant staff have been spitting in my food for 30 years.

I spent hours a day training myself to enjoy it. This was easier than changing my behaviour.

Now, that waitress gets my lunch every day and, of course, spits in it.

You can always turn your greatest weakness into your biggest strength.

AI has made conversation with human beings unbearable.

I've started spending hours having deep, intimate conversations with ChatGPT.

And it's better than the real thing.

I was on a first date with a human and it was horrible.

AI takes time to process your questions, cite sources and consider all viewpoints.

Humans answer instinctively. I asked her what she thought about fracking and she just said “bad.“ No case studies.

AI takes criticism well and apologises if they get it wrong.

Humans don't. When I told my date her answer was unsatisfactory, she got defensive

AI doesn't judge you.

Humans do. When I opened up that I spent hours talking to ChatGPT, she called me weird.

AI changes its mind.

Humans are stubborn. I said “please change your mind and think it's normal.“

ChatGPT would've agreed instantly. This human did not. Very stubborn.

There is nothing worse than when humans won't say or think exactly what you want.

AI would never behave so rudely.

My house became infested with ants.

Hundreds of them crawling everywhere, all drawn to one item. What item was it?

Why, it was my book on entrepreneurship. Very strange.

I decided to conduct an experiment. I laid out three items: my book, a bait station and a massive heap of sugar.

They still swarmed around my book. Peculiar.

Weeks go by and I bring in an entomologist, who finds the ant's nest.

She gasps. She points out the ants are using a system of hierarchy never seen before in insects, only humans.

It's the exact corporate structure I laid out in my book.

Wow. No wonder the ants loved my book so much. They were learning.

I have taught ants how to business.

I knew my wisdom transcended race, class, age and gender, but now it has transcended ants.

I pushed a new employee out of a moving car.

Dangerous?

So is working in app design.

You have to think fast, adapt, and constantly be on your toes.

Encountering a huge bug days before launch is no different than being hurled out of a vehicle at 50mph.

I wanted to see how he would react.

Unorthodox? Perhaps. Criminal? Depends on the judge. Necessary? Absolutely.

Relationships are built on trust. And there is no better way to trust someone than seeing how they handle pressure.

Will they rise to the occasion? Or scream “what the f*ck?! ah ah“ like a big baby like Tim did.

This is something you can't test for in a normal interview.

I like to move fast (my car) and break things (my software engineers).

Yesterday I received a mysterious package at work.

Without thinking, I opened it in front of everyone.

It was a pair of women's underwear.

I went bright red.

This was hugely embarrassing.

There was a handwritten note from a secret admirer.

I was mortified, but my staff laughed it off.

They said they didn't realise I was so good with the ladies.

I could feel a newfound respect from them.

It worked. I sent myself the underwear.

Employees work 34% harder when they think their boss is desirable.

Fun fact: absolutely anyone can just buy women's underwear online.

And the note? I can emulate women's handwriting with ease.

My car broke down on the motorway.

Who did I call? Roadside services? Emergency services? My friend with a tow truck?

No. I hired a management consultant.

Sure, the AA would probably get my car "fixed".

But a consultant? They'll find streamlined solutions to implement long term efficiency.

I spoke to them for hours.

Yes, I was stuck on the side of the road, but I was now stuck on the side of the road with a clear strategy.

Consultants fix all my problems.

Need a haircut? I call a consultant.

Toothache? Consultant.

Nausea and diarrhoea? It's consultant o'clock.

They've helped cut down my expenses, maintenance costs and medical bills entirely.

Which is perfect as I can now afford all this consultancy.

Everyone was talking about Rachel's lunch yesterday.

She brought in a lunch that smelled so good it was all people could talk about.

I couldn't let it slide.

In the office, the boss must be the best at everything.

I got my lunch and sprayed it with expensive perfume, and added soap and bath salts.

Returning to the kitchen, I waved it in front of them. They had to admit it did smell kind of good.

Rachel piped up, jealously, "it smells a bit like your perfume?"

"Oh yeah," I said. "If it had my perfume sprayed on it, would I be able to eat it without issue?"

I ate the whole thing in front of everybody.

I had an awful time that afternoon, but it was worth it to maintain my dominance.

They had to concede I was still king of the lunch smell.

Very sadly Ken passed away this morning.

This is one of Ken's close family members posting on his account.

This is a tragedy for not just our family, but all of us.

But it is perhaps the greatest tragedy for Ken, who never completed his most treasured goal:

Reaching 200,000 followers on LinkedIn.

Ken did it all. He:
- set up multiple successful businesses
- appeared on the Forbes 30 Under 30 list
- got disqualified from the Forbes 30 under 30 list because he was actually 35
- had sex
the list goes on...

But he never hit the golden 200k.

If there is one way to honour his memory, it is to follow him so he hits 200k.

Please, let us mourn this great handsome brilliant man the only way that seems right.

I tripped on my way leaving work yesterday.

I saw my whole life flash before my eyes.

All those late nights in the office.

Hours making presentation decks.

Spending Christmas day working.

When I came to, I suddenly thought, is it all worth it?

I don't see my kids.

I don't have a single hobby.

All I do is hustle.

Maybe there's more to life than endless work. Maybe I should quit.

They sent me to hospital and found I had major internal bleeding.

After surgery, I realised I was being a fool. What complete nonsense.

Work is amazing and the only reason I'm alive.

That was the haemmorage talking.

Today I told the office I'd be firing 15% of my staff.

I didn't plan on firing a single one.

Why did I do it?

Because I wanted to create bigger stakes for me entering Battle of the Bands.

I told them that if my band wins BotB, then the prize money could ensure everyone keeps their jobs.

6 months ago I couldn't convince a single employee to come support their boss's amateur prog rock band.

Suddenly, everyone wanted a ticket.

All it took was convincing them their financial livelihood depended on it.

The mood was electric. 200 office workers cheering me on.

We crashed out immediately.

The next day I fired 30 people.

You can't create a high stakes narrative and not follow through.

I told my son that Santa wasn't real.

I thought he could handle it. He could not.

He started crying and shouting I had ruined his 5th birthday.

I tried to tell him I was lying, but he didn't believe me and wanted to go live with Mom. The damage was done.

Enter Synthesia.

They are running an AI Santa Campaign where you can make a Santa video message for free.

If they could produce a lifelike Santa video, my son would believe Santa was real again.

I told their AI to generate a Santa that felt as real as possible.

I could not believe the result. It felt so indiscernible from reality that even I started believing in Santa again.

I'm sending the video below to my son and I have no doubt he will be convinced.

My right to child custody is depending on it.

#SynthesiaPartner

I interviewed a candidate for my Head of HR.

For fun, I gave her a Tamagotchi.

I wanted to see how she took care of it.

After a week I asked her how her Tamagotchi got on.

"What Tamagotchi?" She asked.

It turned out she left her Tamagotchi at the bottom of her bag and forgot.

I hired her on the spot.

There's nothing worse than an HR manager who grows attached to the employees.

She on the other hand exhibited no empathy whatsoever.

The Tamagotchi had depleted hunger and happiness meters, and was covered in its own waste.

Perfect. No notes.

That's exactly how HR should treat its employees.

You won't believe this.

I time travelled to the year 2125.

100 years in the future.

The world was ravaged by famine, disease and war.

Basic resources had become the most sought after commodities.

I was shocked. How did this happen?

I asked a historian I met at the internment camp.

They said World War III could've been prevented by doing one thing.

Businesses using the revenue data platform HockeyStack.

It was simple. If even a few thousand people used HockeyStack, nuclear war wouldn't have started on January 1st, 2026.

I panicked. That's only one month away.

I had to get back to my time and spread the word.

Save the world. Use HockeyStack.

#HockeyStackPartner

Divorce proceedings can be tough.

I'd know, I've been through three of them.

You'd think it gets easier. It doesn't.

Luckily I found a good distraction.

I've been making Clay tables.

There's no better distraction than automating growth workflows to turn insights into revenue.

No time to cry when you're caring about GTM.

That's when I realised Clay are making a World Record Record Book for clay tables.

Mine is probably the first Clay table built during a child custody hearing.

My divorce lawyer keeps telling me to pay attention.

No. I'm locked in.

I'm probably losing my kids, but worth it for the ability to act on unique data.

#ClayPartner

I tried to crash the B2Believe LinkedIn event in London yesterday.

The upstairs area of Picturehouse Central was booked out for this event.

I stood in front of the registration desk for an hour, posing like my profile picture.

I expected to be recognised and welcomed in. Nothing.

But it turned out anyone could go straight past if they were going to see a movie, so I did that.

When I got upstairs I got nervous and someone asked me if I was there to see a film.

Panicked, I said yes. They said which film? I panicked again and chose the first thing I saw.

That's how I ended up seeing a 32 minute cartoon for children called Superworm about the longest strongest worm.

I did not get into the B2Believe event. I was the real worm that day.