Ian M.

We almost didn't survive our first date. We almost didn't survive our marriage either.

One was a near car accident. She was driving into oncoming traffic.
The other was infidelity. That was me.

I had to sit across from my wife and have a conversation I never thought we'd have. Alcohol. Internet addiction. Lies I'd been carrying for years.

She looked at me and said: "I don't think this is it for us. But I have to know you're willing to do the work."

Grace in the face of betrayal. The cross on her neck a reminder of the faith we shared and the truth I had fallen away from.

In that moment I had a vision of another man sitting at the head of my table. Raising my children. Watching my wife grow more beautiful year after year.

The man I was. On the outside looking in. Begging to have a seat.

That night, I was holding our 3 month old as she was scream crying in my face. All I could hear was, "How could you do this to us?"

In that dark moment, I felt a loving hand grab me by the shoulder. It was the version of me from the future who had chosen to do the work.

He was CELEBRATING me. He was ENCOURAGING me. He was THANKING me.

5 years later. Two young girls singing in the kitchen. Wife more beautiful than ever. The same table. A different man.

My wife and I celebrate 10 years this summer.

Now it's MY loving hand on that broken man's shoulder saying, "Keep going."

I sat with my daughter in the kitchen after she snuck into the fridge to eat a whole bar of chocolate well after bed time.

“My brain said it wanted it. And I know this is how God made me.”

She’s only five but even so, it’s likely she has ADHD, just by being my little progeny.

I wept over her knowing how hard life will be learning how to navigate these challenges most won’t face.

She will likely hear many times, “you just need some self control,”

“You just need to focus.”

They likely won’t understand what those words even mean.

But I do.

They likely won’t accept her jitters.

But I do.

They likely won’t be able to sit with her big feelings.

But I will.

I refuse to believe ADHD is a disability. Seriously.

I know the downsides. I feel everything so deeply. And I refuse to apologize for it.

I know the increased likelihood to fall into addictions. I’ve dabbled in a few of them.

I know how fast and quickly my thoughts can spiral. I know every thought is trying to keep me safe.

I charge ahead in gratitude at their attempt but choose instead to align myself to the greatest values I can hold.

And by doing so, so will she.